a state

Not sure about what is happening to me over the past several days. I slept through most of the daytime, while did not feel the need to sleep at night. For the past few nights, I slept after two, sometimes three, and got up after twelve or one.

I am happy, with occasional, if not often, creeping sense of unspeakable depression. I somewhat lose interest on things I am used to enjoying, writing on my blog, reading, for example. It seems to me that there is not much exciting stuff I want to share and read. What are the purposes of these writings and repeated reading, I asked myself. I write without audience. Read with fading excitement. I wrote and read because I could think of nothing else to do.

I dislike waking up because the things awaiting me are not intriguing enough to revitalise me for another day. I dislike switching off my lamp at bedside and ending the day because I have not the courage to call it a day. Scrolling down Facebook or Instagram and watching movie clips and trailers on YouTube can somehow carry my consciousness away from my reality. This sounds very silly and a bit pathetic but I can hardly deny it. Perhaps I better pick up another book to read so that I can be carried away by the world of literature, which seems to be a more agreeable choice than the electronic, virtual world, but I am in my least motivated mood to read in these few days.

The one who I find most comfortable to stay with and laugh with is my most beloved sister. I love passing the time with her, doing silly things with her, talking nonsense, finishing each other's sentences and laughing completely out of the blue. Those are moments when I feel the energy within me. Yet, she is one of those people who are insensitive to their sister's emotions. I can hardly expect her any serious attention to my discouraging speech. Nevertheless, she is my most agreeable company I would ask for.